The Moynihan Institute Archives
Yoga and emotional growth
06/16/09My first introduction to yoga was at Portland State University back in 1994. I took yoga as an elective class. The class was conducted in the wrestling room which may have been a big draw back to typical yoga types but to me it was a blessing. Some how it made yoga less effeminate and hippy like. I saw the physical benefit from the get go and after the class I enrolled at the teacher’s studio.
This teacher was schooled by Iyengar and great detail was paid to alignment. Some classes we would do no more that 3 or 4 asanas followed by a long savasanna. It was a great introduction for me. The instructor was great and she would go on and on talking about all kinds of things that never occurred to this washed up jock from the rust belt. She talked a lot about the emotional and spiritual benefits of yoga which I chalked up to new age bullshit. I can remember one class where this big dude who was practicing next to me simply broke down sobbing. The image is still powerful in my mind. At the time I was every uncomfortable with this. The teacher walked over casually and kept on with her instruction. She knelt down next to the guy, sort of rubbed his back and said something quietly to him about doing some emotional house cleaning. I didn’t get it.
Fast forward to March of 2008. Once again I was back to yoga. This time it was Bikram’s. And once again I noticed people crying. Was it the heat? Were they simply not up to rigors of the practice? I didn’t get it. Then I started hearing instructors talk about how camel pose will create an emotional release with some people. All I ever felt was dizzy and nauseous. I never really put much stock into anything other than the physical with my yoga practice until recently.
I think I am not alone, especially among the men, when it comes to a slow realization of the emotional benefits of yoga. In my case I had developed so many physical barriers to emotional stuff that I simply could not tap into it. Every emotional scar that life gives you gets internalized by the body somehow. When you think of a guy that’s up tight the picture you get is a guy that is physically tight, with hunched shoulders and breathing through his chest. The body simply walls up and bottles up all those emotions if you don’t deal with them.
All I could feel was the physical pain from a lifetime of sports and other much worse abuses. Then a few months ago I started thinking about shit that happened many years ago. I haven’t broken down in the hot room yet but I would get these feelings afterward. It’s as if I had to break down the tightness in the body first to get to some of this emotional stuff although this was not my intention.
The yoga works in its own way and not according to some time table. After doing Bikram’s for about a year all of sudden I dropped 20 pounds. Most of it from my stomach. Yes I did diet a bit but I had dieted before and my gut just wouldn’t budge. All of sudden I started shedding weight and then it stopped. It’s as if my body finally figured out its ideal weight with some cooperation from my actions. I couldn’t have done it eating doughnuts.
After I lost my girth it seemed like years of pent up grief and anger just started flowing. I went nearly 20 years without shedding a single tear and then all of sudden I couldn’t fight them back anymore. No- this is not a psychotic breakdown. It’s a spiritual transformation. It’s the way the yoga works given enough time and practiced with enough diligence. If I were given the choice I would not have chosen this path. It sort of chose me.
Namaste
The Institute has been reborn!
06/12/09In case you haven’t noticed I have taken down the archives. I did this for several reasons. One is that those articles are no longer consistent with how I want to live my life and continue on with my blog. This blog going forward will be primarily about Bikram’s yoga and health and wellness in the physical, spiritual and emotional sense. If I embark on a new physical pursuit I will discuss that but in a much less divisive way.
I started this blog back in 2000 with three other guys. We were primarily concerned with critiquing politics and popular culture. It was intentionally over the top. At times it crossed the line. My partners grew up and left the blog for other pursuits. I kept it going under the same theme for another year or so before I switched venues. I then became a critic and commentator on athletics, training and physical culture. I had a good run with it and to be honest quite a few laughs along the way. Although like the earliest version of the Moynihan Institute I went over the top too often. I apologize to all those I offended or misrepresented over the years. If it’s any consolation I was always tongue and cheek about things. I really have no ill will toward any person or organization. It was just drama for the sake of drama.
One thing certain about life is that things change. Well I have changed as well. Who knew that when I hit my first Bikram’s class a little over year ago that I was about to embark on the most significant growth period of my life? I thought I was just going to do some stretching and heal some old injuries. Who knew it was going to change my outlook on life and dredge up some old painful emotional wounds that I worked so hard to suppress and erase from memory? If I would have known any of this at the onset I would have surely gone running from the rooms in terror. Thank God I didn’t know. The yoga reshaped me both physically and emotionally so I could do my spiritual work and be a better man.
So things will be different around here. Instead of being satirical and a wise ass I hope this site will be inspirational and at least for me therapeutic. Many of you will surely be bored by my new approach and go elsewhere. That’s fine. I hope to branch out and connect with other Bikramites and fellow travelers on the spiritual path.
Namaste
The Bikram’s enthusiasm is contagious.
06/12/09This past weekend at the lecture given by Bikram someone asked a question about fixed firm pose. He was frustrated that he couldn’t get into the full expression and that even half expression was a killer on his knees. Bikram then said it took him 9 years to get into the full expression of fixed firm. Sometimes I forget that I am just a rookie in terms of this practice. I have only been practicing for a year and 4 months.
Sometimes it feels like I have gone nowhere in terms of the asanas but an instructor pointed out to me that I have changed a lot. It just seems like I haven’t because I am pushing through barriers and hitting new obstacles. I know I have received physical benefits from this Bikram’s practice in terms of weight loss and all around improved health. I went from about 230 pounds down to nearly 190. My cholesterol went from a 229 to a 179. I was on two medications when I started and now I am off both of them. I attribute this all to the yoga because the yoga encouraged me to eat better and respect my body more. I have exercised and played sports my whole life and nothing has done for me what Bikram’s has done.
Over the course of 30 years I belonged to many gyms and teams. I have never had the bond that I have with my fellow Bikram’s practitioners. The odd thing is that I don’t even talk with most of them. It just sort of an understanding or a mutual respect we have for each other. I go to the 6:00 am class. Not many people are able to get out of bed that early let alone practice yoga in a 105 degree plus room for 90 minutes. We are all there with our morning hair and morning breath long before our first cup of coffee. We all understand the struggle and are aware that many people are carrying all kinds of additional burdens in life yet we make it to the hot room. We hit the mat and face it all head first. It’s life changing.
Everyone once and awhile I will learn a snippet about one of my fellow 6:00 am-ers. Maybe they are battling some disease or caring for a sick family member or just going through some shit. They might be training for a significant athletic challenge and using Bikram’s for restoration, rehab or pre-hab. In a way what inspires me the most are the young people in their 20’s with no health issue just doing it because they know its right for them. I’m both awe struck and inspired by the people. Any excuse that I may come up with for not attending is lame compared to some of the personal stories I have heard. Others have said the same about me as well. The enthusiasm is contagious.
Yoga and walking through fears.
06/11/09I learned the hard way that it is not possible to out run a doughnut. There is no short cut or end around for a high quality diet. Your metabolism or youth may defy this for a period of time but sooner or later it will catch up to you. You’ll gain weight and/or develop health problems. Right now I’m resting at about 190 to 195 depending on the day. If I keep eating this way I should be down to around 180-185 by the end of the summer.
Diet and exercise are easy compared to changing your state of mind. I believe that if you are emotionally imbalanced then your diet will be challenged constantly and you will be prone to injuries when exercising. How many of you train hard but are constantly tired, plagued by nagging or serious injuries and in general you don’t feel good about life? Of course if your body is junk to begin with it’s tough to get your mind and spirit into the proper perspective.
In someone who is completely deconditioned mild exercise certainly has a great tonic effect. The junk body gets a dose of endorphins, dopamine and serotonin that helps the mind relax and feel better about life in general. Have you ever had a really shitty day, hit the gym for a workout and then afterwards felt like some one gave your brain a shower? Exercise certainly benefits the body’s musculature and circulatory system but the source the well being that we feel is in the mind. When the mind is calm we can connect with the spirit which is really the essence of who we are anyway. So when we exercise we connect with our spirit and this is why we feel good.
In essence exercise is a trick to get our minds off all the finite things in life that we place so much importance to. Finite things are largely material, status bound and things of the ego. We let go of this finite crap during and shortly after exercise and connect with the infinite life. Exercise is not the only way to connect with this. Some people get this from church or temple. Some do it through meditation or spending time in nature. Whatever works for you.
I get it through yoga. For me it’s a moving meditation. The poses are always the same but each day my body is different. What I try to do is get out of my thoughts and focus on what the instructors are telling me to do. That along with breathing is my mantra. When I’m done my body, my mind, my heart and my spirit are connected. I don’t think I could get this through lifting weights because there is too much ego and narcissism involved in this activity at least for me. Lifting and other forms of traditional exercise also does too much damage to my body. It doesn’t feel right for me. The yoga I can do daily and tap into this spiritual-mental-physical bliss more frequently.
When I went to go see Bikram this past weekend he talked about how everything was yoga. Writing this article is yoga. Driving my car is yoga. The beauty of a yoga practice is that it leads to this sort of thinking and acting. Eventually after you get your body in order and start breaking down the psychological and spiritual barriers you start to think like this. You start to view your daily activities as part of your practice. You stay detached and just breathe. You don’t get bogged down by the finite. I’m just getting into this. It took me a year of hatha yoga to get to the point where I am dipping my toe into raja yoga. I’m glad I stayed consistent with the asanas and remained persistent in my practice.
It hasn’t been easy. Recently I hit a wall of fear and wanted to quit and blame things on my past or shit that was done to me as a kid. I have been walking through that shit head long. What I am finding is that all my fears are nothing more than allusions, constructs of the mind or memories. These fears are persistent and have been cultivated over a lifetime so they don’t go away after a few daily affirmations while staring into the mirror. It takes real work and all the physical, spiritual and emotional strength you can muster. You can all relate to certain extent. Maybe someone close to you has died or you got divorced. Every morning you wake up and there it is sitting at the edge of your bed staring at you, greeting you with all the doom and gloom it can muster. It tells you to go back to bed, to quit your job, to give up on life because you’re loser. You simply have to look it in the eye tell it fuck you and push your way through the day. Every time you do this is gets weaker and weaker. Pretty soon that 800 pound bear is looking like a gnome. When you finally crush it under your foot you have broken through a wall. That’s self realization and spiritual enlightenment.
Namsate
I finally met Bikram.
06/08/09I finally got to meet my yoga guru Bikram Choudhury. Yesterday he came into Boston to give a lecture. I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t a yoga seminar or something along those lines. Bikram doesn’t like Boston very much due to the cold weather so I figured I better go to his lecture since he was making a rare appearance in Boston.
I wasn’t disappointed. I was actually pretty inspired to hear the man talk about everything from his yoga system, to the secrets of a successful marriage, all the way to his views on God and religion. One thing I can say for sure about Bikram is that he doesn’t suffer from low self esteem. The guy exudes self confidence bordering on arrogance. Still I wasn’t turned off by his style. In this day and age being wishy washy seems to be the norm. Everyone is worried about offending others. A guy like Bikram isn’t afraid to call bullshit and state what his thinks is correct but you still get the impression that he’d be open to dialogue.
He still holds firm that what most of us consider as exercise is nothing less than self destructive to our bodies. Ironically the day before I had participated in a basketball tournament and we went to the semifinals. That means we played 6 games. I was able to play no problem even though I never play anymore. This is due to the yoga but all the shock from the pavement and all left me beat up the next day. So I think Bikram is still right that sports are for kids. Their bodies can handle it and they learn valuable lessons. Adults have no business hitting around little balls and destroying their knees and shoulders. It’s silly for adults especially as they reach middle age. I’ll stick with the yoga.
Bikram talked about a lot of pertinent stuff. What I walked away from the lecture with was this. I control my own destiny. There is nothing in my life that I can’t handle. Problems are simply allusions. They are nothing more that solution opportunities. What ever I think is wrong with me, you or the rest of the world is nothing more than some negative construct centering in my mind. The great spiritual teachers of the world have already given us all the answer. 2,000 years ago Jesus told us everything we ever needed to know when he told us to turn the other cheek. So many people misinterpret this as being a door mat for some asshole. Wrong. What he was trying to tell us is that no one can ever steal your peace and happiness unless we give it to them. Turning the other cheek is simply not buying into the bullshit. Listening to and then later talking to Bikram made me realize once again that I have everything with in me already that I will ever need. Happiness and true bliss resides within in me at all times. It’s only a matter of me exercising this. It’s up to me to choose the positive over the negative.
It’s all about the soul.
06/03/09Many years ago on one of my early futile attempts to kicks liquor and drugs I embarked on a very rigorous physical regimen. I was training to compete in an Olympic distance triathlon. I had been clean and sober for a few months on 6 AA meetings a week and a lot of time in prayer. It worked pretty well but I was getting bored so I decided to get back into shape.
I went on a low fat diet and ate a lot of whole grain pasta and brown rice. That works too you know. I trained at least twice a day, sometimes three times. Every Thursday, weather permitting, I would ride my bike 50 to 100 miles and every Sunday I would run 10 to 20 miles. I lost a ton of weight and would have to say that I was in the best physical condition of my life. I could recover in no time. I was only 24.
I neglected my soul, my connection with others and my higher purpose in life for something ego and vanity driven. One beautiful spring day I was finishing up a 75 mile ride and the thought of a beer sounded really appealing. In spite of my track record and at least an intellectual understanding that I could not drink in safety I went and bought a twelve pack, drained it and went off to close some dive bar. Who knows how many beers I drank that night. I went on a three month run after that before I sobered up for good. And I never did compete in that triathlon.
I learned a valuable lesson from that. You can’t fill the hole in your soul with exercise or anything so ego driven. It won’t keep your demons at bay. It won’t in and of itself make you a happy person. Sure exercise is important for the body but the body is merely a vehicle for your spirit which is really the essence of who you are. I have met some truly happy people with broken bodies. Their spirits transcend the physical.
Over the last 10 or so years of my life I have placed too great of an emphasis on my body and my intellect. There’s nothing wrong with either of these sorts of pursuits but they only go so far. It’s like racking material possessions. Shortly after the conquest you’re left empty. It’s why you see so many great athletes pushing to the next level while the rest of their lives and even their own bodies go to ruin. It’s crazy if you step just outside of the conquest driven mindset and look at it all with some perspective.
A few months ago I simply reached and emotional and spiritual abyss in my life yet no one around me knew. I’m not clinically depressed or mentally ill so I could go about my life putting on a happy face and getting my work done and that kind of thing. I won’t go into details but from my infancy I have had to dig deep into survival mode. Many with my background are in prisons, nut wards, on the street or at best are nothing but miserable people. My spirit has always been able to overcome all the crap.
This time I felt a sense of despair. Initially I could not put my finger on it. After all everything is my life was going so well. Wasn’t it? I had to get some perspective on this so I sought out some help from a professional, my family, my friends, anyone that would listen and of course God. Over the last week or so I have begun to get some clarity on the nature of my malaise.
I’m not quite out of the woods yet but I can see a path even if it’s only feint. I have had it all backwards these last few years. I thought if I could just fix my body that I could straighten out my psyche and soul. If I could only find the right routine, the right diet, the right mix of vitamins I would be truly happy. The more I tried the more miserable I became. I can see that now. I will say this. The diet that Robb Wolf suggested plus intense devotion to my Bikram’s practice broke through some barrier or level of denial. I lost my bulk, my armor, my protection. I began to see myself as a fraud, an imposter, a poser. I was not happy with what I saw even though physically I had never been better. My soul was sick.
Now I am working on my soul. I am leaving the shadow world and exposing some dark secrets that have blocked my spirit all these years. Don’t worry I won’t be sharing the details. They aren’t that interesting anyway. It simply occurred to me that I wasn’t happy with who I was. I thought if I’m lucky I have another 40 years to go. Is this how I want to live the remainder of my life? Is this how I want my children to remember me? Not that I’m an awful person by any means but I’m not really fulfilled. And I’m not talking about changing jobs or perming my hair or something nor is this a midlife crisis. The ultimate question that I have asked myself is if what I am doing is fulfilling God’s purpose for me on earth? I’d say I fulfilling about 40% of it. My quest is to discover what the other 60% is.
Where have I been?
06/01/09I’ve been busy lately and have decided to put more effort into my job and family responsibilities instead of talking trash on the net. As an update I am down to 194 pounds. I am eating normal again but am avoiding wheat and of course food products and other junk foods. The results from my physical were stellar and I took my overall cholesterol from 230 to 179. My bad cholesterol went way down and my good cholesterol could go up a bit but nothing to worry about. I had a stress test and the whole 9 yards. My doc is complete. I was given an excellent bill of health and encouraged to keep doing whatever it is that I’m doing.
As far as exercise goes I’m doing Bikram’s with an occasional hike, playing sports with my kids or some cardio work. I am not lifting weights and don’t miss it at all. I have never looked better or been more fit and healthy. Who knows what the future holds as far as working out goes. For now I am happy with this. Bickering about things on the web simply makes it hard to focus on what works for me and what’s important to me. I no longer have an axe to grind with anyone and if I offended you over the course of these years I sincerely apologize. I may travel a different path than you but I wish you all well on the journey.
I have paid for this site for the rest of the calendar year so I may update from time to time. I have been saying for years that I am on the cusp of change. I think I have finally arrived. Right now I feel I have nothing to say. Along with yoga and some dietary changes I have been renewing my spiritual practices and seeking some counseling for some personal issue that have always plagued me and stood in the way of me being a truly happy person. Calling people douche bags over the internet is not an indicator of a happy and well adjusted 44 year old. I am finally getting the help that I need. Namaste.